The Virtue of Empathy

In 2010, researchers at the University of Michigan carried out a vast, comprehensive study on college students' ability to have empathy for others.  You can read more details about this study here.  The study concluded that today's college students have displayed a 40% decline in their ability to show empathy to others compared with those from thirty and forty years ago.

Based on a surveyed understanding of our culture today, and a deep understanding of my sinful heart, I'm going to take a leap and say that this data is true for the general population.

Webster gives this simple definition of empathy: the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions : the ability to share someone else's feelings.

Why is this important?  Put simply, empathy is the basis of all honest dialogue and relational connection.  It is next to impossible to communicate in any meaningful way with another person unless one can, in some sense, see the world as that other person sees it.  Without this capacity, I merely talk past the other person...and regretfully, that is what I see with alarming regularity in the current cultural conversation.

I believe there are three dimensions of empathy.

First, there is narrative empathy.  All of us have a basic story that runs through our heads and hearts, defining who we are and what life is about.  It may be healthy or unhealthy, positive or negative, helpful or unhelpful to us...but it is there.  A huge part of empathy is embracing the truth that each individual has a unique story, and if we are going to relate with him right now, we have to accept that his story is probably different than ours.

Another dimension is intellectual empathy.  At present, there is a dangerous tendency to attach dismissive, judgmental labels to anyone with whom we disagree.  We live in an era of sound bytes and social media, and it is easier to label than to engage.  For a true and open dialogue to occur, one must have genuine goodwill for opponents as persons who honestly hold differing views, and then debate the logic and content of the views without attacking the persons.

Finally, I believe there is volitional empathy.  This last dimension is perhaps the hardest to overcome.  At least it has been for me.  Volitional empathy recognizes that a defensive spirit exists in every one of us--that we all have triggers--and then makes the conscious choice to let our defenses down.  Volitional empathy is a simple decision to move toward the other person in love, regardless of that person's response.

While intellectual empathy might be relevant only in broader cultural discussions and in academia, the other two are indispensable in any human relationship.

Now for the really bad news.  Genuine empathy isn't as easy to come by as we might think.  It is not an innate character quality, and as this study suggests, our own experiences of pain and distress do not necessarily make us more empathetic towards others.  In essence, empathy is a choice that we must make and, ultimately, a habit that we must cultivate in our souls through hard work.

How do we cultivate empathy?  Here are some practices that have been valuable to me:

1.  Be humble.  Acknowledge that your personal narrative skews your perspective.  You have biases based on your own experiences and your own interpretation of those experiences.  Admit that your personal experience does not define the whole of life, and therefore, others will have different values, feelings, and attitudes.

2.  Listen.  Allow others the chance to express their perspective without interruption.  Maintain eye contact.  Don't try to come up with responses in your head.  Just hear what is being communicated.  Then communicate back to the other person what you heard, and let the person clarify any misunderstandings.

3.  Make diverse friendships.  As a Christian (and certainly as a pastor), it is uber-tempting to enclose oneself in a virtual ghetto of like-mindedness.  (We often misinterpret certain biblical passages as proof that this is the way of godliness).  I imagine the same is true for other social or racial groups.  Empathy requires that we break down some of these social inhibitions and develop genuine friendships with people who hold different views, who come from different cultures, and who live different lives than we do.

4.  Broaden your perspective.  If you only read the Huffington Post and listen to NPR, you have a biased view of life, culture, and politics, whether you admit it or not.  Ditto the Washington Times and FOX News.  Every once in a while, read something that makes your blood boil.  Then when your blood returns to 98.6 degrees, read it again.  Avoid labeling the writer and focus on the content of the article.  Ask yourself why he/she might be advocating the views he/she is advocating.  Are his/her facts accurate?  Does the logic make sense?  Is there anything in the piece you can affirm as basically true?

I am deeply grateful for the ongoing challenge to grow in empathy.  Will you join me in that?